Dear Dad:
You said that I don't care about you. Maybe you are wrong, or maybe
it's my fault. I regret for not letting you know that I care about you.
I've never told you that when your son talked to you in that way I knew
it hurt you; I've never told you that when I think of ending my life I
know it would hurt you; I've never said thank you when you felt proud of
me, and I don't deserve the pride anymore. I do care about you.
Yet even though I have empathy for your feelings, even though I know
what I'm planning will make huge impact on you, I'm still planning to
end the life you gave to me. My life has been so aimless, without ach-
ievement. I'm no longer the daughter that you can brag about in front
of people. And I don't want to bear the gossiping from people, I don't
want to see my life getting miserable anymore. Moreover, when thinking
of those obstacles, I know I have no strength to face and fight.
Here is a song for you. Draussen vor der Tuer by Die Toten Hosen.
We ignored each other for a long time, and hardly accepted each other
In that time, that was hard for the both of us
you were so full of violence, and I was full of hate
We couldn't get along for years
I've never wanted to be like you or think like you do
Today it strikes me again and again, that I'm so much like you
Luckily, it wasn't too late back then
We forgave each other, the wind settled down
This was such a long time ago, so endlessly far away
But I don't find it hard to remember
how it went the last time we saw each other
There, outside the door
People say - and I know now that it's true -
that you can have a lot of friends, but only one father
And today, now you are so far away
I can slowly see you so much more clearly
I have never missed you before like I do now
Step by step I'm getting back to you
This is all so far in the past
But all the images of that time, they're still here, all of them
A whole year is like a half eternity
And it's already an eternity ago, back then outside the door
It's all such a long time ago, so endlessly far away
And I get it now, that I will never, never lose you
But although I still have your memories, I miss you a lot
Sorry, Dad. I care about you and I love you.
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
Since I can't face all that, why I don't dare to kill myself?
I don't want to face them, so I die.
Is there anything I need to deal with after death?