Hello everyone!!!
I have an assignment correcting a paragraph. This paragraph lacks coherence
because they are written in short, choppy sentences, without sentence
connectors or conjunctions.
I have corrected this paragraph already, but I don't think my version is good.
Could you please help me correct my parapraph?
Original version of the paragraph:
Copying is the engine of civilization: culture is behavior duplicated. The
oldest copier invented by people is language. Language makes an ideas of
yours become an idea of mine. The second great copying machine was writing.
The Sumerians transposed spoken words into stylus marks on clay tablets. They
did that more than 5,000 years ago. They hugely extended the human network.
Language had created the human network. Writing freed copying from the chain
of living contact. It made ideas permanent. It made them portable. It made
them endlessly reproducible.
My version of this paragraph:
Copying is the engine of civilization: cultural behavior is duplicated. The
oldest copier invented by people is language, which makes an idea of yours
, and then become an idea of mine. The second great copying machine was writ-
-ing. For example, the Summerians transposed spoken words into stylus marks on
clay tablets more tahan 5000 years ago. They extremely extended the human
network, which had been created by language. Writing freed copying from the
chain of living contact. It made ideas permanent, portable, and endlessly
reproducible.
Thank you guys!!